Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
