Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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