well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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