Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
