the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
