i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
