This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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