I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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