So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He shit in the fireplace
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
