you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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