Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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