hell yes lets make some ravioli
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
never play flip cup with pint glasses
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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