Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
