Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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