im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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