dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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