I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
