I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
