so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
