too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's never too late to be topless.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
