I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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