I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
