There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
