god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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