I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
