I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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