Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
