I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize