Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I got inside last night via doggy door
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
