So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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