this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm bleeding and have questions
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
