the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
