Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
