i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
PANTIES FOUND
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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