the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
