you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
