I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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