I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
