all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
