i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
