Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize