haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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