PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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