Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
