The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
