Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
