Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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