Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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