The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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