her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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