Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
