I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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