We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
