The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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