when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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