I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
