he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
don't judge my taste in strippers
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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