Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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