just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
