i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
