never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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