A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
