He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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