it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
