I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
