standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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